October 17, 2012

What Not to Listen to When You Are Low.

FollowFriday Says What.


I rank 435 in Canada and 48 375 in English ranking.
They tweeted to alert me of this.

If anyone has any idea what the shit this actually means, I would be grateful.
I'd like to know if I have won free tickets to Honeymoon Suite or something.

October 9, 2012

Words with Sadness.

I remember being about 23 years old and writing pages and pages of nonsense. I would start by writing words and incoherent sentences. Sometimes without spaces between the words, because they didn't make sense anyway and it added an interesting element to my experience. I would get about 2 or 3 pages in before a theme would begin to form. Words became sentences and sentences became thoughts and thoughts would become ideas and all of a sudden I would have 7 or 8 pages of back to back scribbling and the world would make sense again.

I wrote a lot back then. I don't write as much now, because it's not 1997 and my typing skills have far surpassed my handwriting. I don't know if typing would have the same affect. I don't know if there was something more personal about holding a pen and feeling the paper press beneath the weight of the words. Like hanging up a cell phone after an angry call, it will never replace the satisfaction of slamming a receiver down and storming away in a huff.
But maybe I could give it a try. See if the damage might come out to play in an environment where music isn't blasting, beer isn't flowing, and people aren't coaxing the laughter out instead. I don't wish to ignore my grief. I don't want to make my despondence feel unwelcome. I just don't know how to talk to them very well anymore. I haven't been this kind of sad in a very very long time. Like learning another language, if you don't use it, you lose it. I have lost my ability to talk with my sadness. To suss her out and make her okay again.

Perhaps the tools I used then will work now.
Perhaps not.

But I figure I have to try something.

You can only drink Gin & sing for so long.

October 8, 2012

Paper Faces.

This guy chose my Twitter avi to use for one of his Paper Faces, using the Paper app on ipad.


I have this app.
I can not do this.

To Be Grateful.

This year will go down in my history as the hardest of my entire life. Learning what it means to have a part of yourself die with the last breath of the most important person to create the world as you now know it is a lesson I will never master.

While I carry an ache now all too familiar and constant, I am filled with gratitude that is immeasurable. The support and love I have felt has been stunning & overwhelming. Recalling the battalion of lovable misfit brats that Greg & I have amassed over these last four years reaffirms that our love was bigger than we ever were.

"I don't know how I am going to do this..."

"With an army behind you."

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for you.
For your texts. For your messages. For your calls. For your time spent. For your tears. For your music. For your arms. For your poetry. For your laughter. For your talents. For your sincerity. For your care. For your words. For your generosity. For your brilliance.

For loving us.

I would not be who I am today without you all.

I love you.